My oldest daughter is just like me. I don't just mean she looks like me or likes the same things; she THINKS EXACTLY like me. So much so it is scary - and annoying.  I know almost exactly what she is thinking and what she is doing at every turn.  I am on to her manipulations, bad moods, questions and assertions before she even knows herself.  I am sure it pisses her off too - she can hardly get away with anything around me.

It also scares me because I know how prone to depression I am and how my own inquisitive, intuitive, insightful, and analytical ways have not always served me well. They say that depressed people often have a firmer grip on reality and the way things are than most - and I would say that has been true of me and will likely be true of her.

But I don't want her to be depressed!  I want to do everything I can to start her down a path of emotional health and well-being now so she doesn't have to fall prey to her own mind.

Whereas I can plant little affirmations in my son's head without him questioning me much, my daughter has to challenge everything I suggest to her. "It isn't logical to say you love school when you don't."  "It doesn't make sense to say you are going to have a great day when you know your siblings are going to ruin it by fighting with you and getting in your way!"  "I kinda like feeling angry - why should I do all this stuff not too?"

I am sure it is hard for most adults to really buy the tenets of the Law of Attraction - try selling it to an insightful, logical kid who hasn't really suffered the school of hard knocks yet!  Many adults who have been banged up and bruised by life are willing to try anything if it can pull them out of their rut. How do you get a kid to buy into the need before they run themselves down the dark alleys and dead-ends of life?

I find that I really need to deconstruct the whole thing for her, just like I need myself.  If something goes really bad for her, I have been trying to help her work backwards and drill down into the thoughts she may have had that led events down the wrong path.  She can go with this, because it takes the analytical approach she loves.  If I can get her to admit the trash talking she has been doing to herself, she starts to see that perhaps I am making sense.  If I can get her that far, she just about lets me talk her into saying a positive affirmation that might work in her favor.

For example, the other day the whole family was happily making Valentines for each other and everyone was in great form.  All of a sudden, out of no where, my daughter got horribly cranky and started being mean to just about everyone.  Soon everyone was fighting and she ended up with a big, long time-out.  After battling against us all evening long, I was finally able to get her to calm down and discuss what happened.  Now, to me it was obvious. Somewhere along the line she said to herself "its not fair!"  Either she didn't get the best Valentine, didn't get to use the best materials, or heard me praise another child and she assumed (as she always does) that this meant her work was less praise-worthy. "It's not fair" is a classic, and it sends her reeling everytime.

With some very gentle prodding and suggesting, she finally came to this on her own.  The she insisted "well, it wasn't fair!"  She would rather hang onto this truth of hers than have a happier day and a family that is contented most of the time.  However, this time I was able to get her to say to herself that there was enough Valentine supplies and happy thoughts to go around, and that she loved the work she did.

Within minutes her demeanor changed, she softened and was ready to get along with everyone again.

I can only hope that eventually she will be able to see how her thoughts can cause her to feel bad and how the vicious cycle starts from there.  I'll keep you posted to our progress!

My son has been having a tough time transitioning into his new school in London.  On top of the whole new school, new city, new country, and leaving his best friend behind thing, he suffered largely for being the age he is (compared to his older or his younger sister) because the curriculum just didn't match up for his level and he found himself hopelessly behind.  I use the word hopelessly because I know that is how he felt, and at times we felt that too.

We knew he was very smart and certainly had the ability to catch up and get back to feeling like the smart kid.  I also knew, however, that if he couldn't convince himself of that, he may never get there.  I knew the way this situation influenced his self perception was crucial.

Despite a lot of effort on the part of me and his father, and even the teachers, my son started falling even further behind and started "hating" school.  He said that often: "I hate school."  He is only 7 - that is pretty darn early to hate school.

I decided to try a little expirment with him.  I talked to him in terms he could understand about creating his own reality.  I said: "If you say to yourself you hate school, and go in with that feeling, then you will act grumpy at school.  When you act grumpy at school, the kids won't want to play with you and the teachers will be cross with you.  This will only make you hate school even more.  You will pay attention less in school because you are feeling so bad about it, which will make it harder to do your homework.  When you aren't doing your homework well, you will frustrate your mommy and daddy who are trying to help you, and we will all get cranky.  You will do worse on your tests and we will all feel disappointed, and you will hate school even more because it makes you feel like a failure."

"Do you see how saying how much you hate school will really make you hate school?"

I am not sure how much he got it, but the next day or so I heard him saying to his sister "I love school.  Do you love school?"  Of course she said, "No, you are crazy."  Then he said again "I love shool.  I am sad tomorrow is Saturday, I wish we had school on Saturday!"  Believe it or not, I didn't get at that moment he was trying out the stuff I told him.  But I thought about it later, and I was really proud and impressed that he was actually giving it a real go of it.

Of course within a few days he wasn't saying that out loud anymore, but I do believe that was sort of a turning point.  He seems much happier at school and is doing a lot better.  That isn't to say it is all smooth sailing and that he loves his situation and will catch up in lightening speed.  I do, however, think perhaps this little expiriment had a real impact on him, and perhaps he will remember this and use it when he faces some real negativity in the future.  If I can keep it up, I will be helping my children in this vein often, and just maybe when they are young adults and facing the really tough stuff, they will have the framework to make their perspectives work for them instead of against them.

One of the things Louise Hay says repeatedly in her book You Can Heal Your Life is that "we are all victims of victims."  She espouses the common wisdom that our particular neuroses and feelings of inadequacy are the result of faulty parenting.  Further, she would explain faulty parenting to be the result of faulty parenting: a never-ending cycle.  It gets me thinking a whole lot about my kids, and what messages my own parenting is implanting on their sweet, developing brains that will hold them back as they grow.

However, one of the things I noticed almost immediately with each of my four children is that in most ways, they are who they are without much influence from me.  Although I know I make mistakes as a mother and I am certain they receive messages from me that I do not intend, I also know that they emerged from birth with levels of self -doubt and self-criticism that are independent from anything my husband or I have done.

I would love to think that if I do everything right, my children will grow up always sending themselves positive messages and building healthy, fulfilling lives for themselves.  However, my experience thus far tells me they form a lot of self-doubt and self-inhibiting messages all on their own, regardless of the efforts I make to help them see themselves positively.

I will offer art as an example because it is pretty straightforward.

I have always enjoyed art and enjoy doing art and projects with my children.  They all love to draw, and could draw all day and on every sliver of paper or anything else they find in my house.  However, in addition to different styles and abilities, they are very different when it comes to their confidence and self-esteem concerning their art.

Two of my daughters are almost hyper-critical of their work. While they love to create art, they also constantly berate themselves for not being good enough (from the age of 3 or prior!).  If their work isn't what they intended, they may throw the pencil across the room, sulk, tantrum, destroy their work, and give up.  If they can't be as good as they want now, it takes everything I have to get them to persist and see their work through without criticising themselves. This is all them: all I have ever done is praise their ability, their work, and spend time with them while they produce their art.  We hang their work all over the house and create opportunities for them to do more.

My son, however, while not necessarily the better artist, has never been self-critical.  He will sit and work happily away for hours, complete his very detailed work, and enjoy the process. I have never seen him give up because he thought he wasn't good enough.  I can guarantee that he hasn't received different messages or levels of support from me.  The difference in every way appears hard wired.

This leads me to believe that there is a certain amount of self-confidence or self-doubt that comes into the world with us. Who knows, perhaps there is a genetic component, maybe experiences within the womb are influential, our zodiac signs dictate our perspectives, or we bring unresolved issues or tasks with us from a past life. However, after witnessing the early development of four children, I know with a high level of certainty that there is a whole lot that happens independent of the parenting they receive.

While this is disappointing because I can't protect my children from sabotaging their own life paths, it also lets me off the hook a little.  I guess it is a little like religion.  I can give them the framework and tools now.  They may listen for a while and try to use the tools I give them.  Then, they will more then likely go through a process of knowing better themselves than all the things they have been taught and will reject much that they have learned.  Then, perhaps, at some point in their future, they will start to search and seek understanding and personal development.  With the work I do now, maybe it will be easier for them to find answers and more natural for them to use the tools that can help them "heal their lives."